Emotionally Scarred

For the whole of my life, I have noticed I have distinctly different personality and character from my peers. I do not indulge in playing computer games, I show little understanding about and appreciation to technologies and I am relatively nerdy. I will put the blame on my parents, who, despite doted me with love, raised me up in an environment I find uncomfortably oppressive.

People say that one's actions do not reflect his true personality because often the way one acts is an attempt to conceal its personality by attempting to mask the void. The happier a person appears, the more injured a person's soul is. But I am different. I do not appear to be happy often, and I often sank so low before conclude I am emo-ing, which ain't entirely wrong.

Throughout my life, when I watch television drama, I have noticed I am drawn towards fictitious characters that often have deep secrets they refuse to share and have emotional scars they endeavour to hide. I am extremely sentimental and am sensitive to the slightest emotional provocation. I cry - inwardly, not showing my tears - if a character that is deeply loved in the movie dies, especially in a sacrifice. I could oddly relate the pain of losing someone, and understand the frustrations the characters felt when they try to talk to their partners but are repeatedly rejected by their loved ones.

Years of living on this planet and I started to think perhaps I should wonder why I behave why I behave. I should find out the reasons why I felt the relation, and I did. After years of deliberation, the conclusion is that, I am a severely injured guy.

I have talked about my family very much and I refuse to further discuss it. I am in a position not many people will be and I admit I am injured.

I fear love, and I don't mean romantic love, just brotherly, friendly love. I don't open up myself and I often lock myself in a virtual world by fantasising how I would be should I be in another person's shoes. I lock myself in a robust and unbreakable gaol and then I threw the key away as far as possible so that it is absolutely unreachable, and I am waiting for the day someone - not necessarily a partner, and I actually hope is a close friend - will break the gaol and free me.

Wishful thinking, I say. Because my parents couldn't and I doubt anyone else can.

The thing is, because of the situation in my family, I am on the verge of explosion. What happens in my life prompts me to not speak up to avoid confrontation - it often ends ugly - and my life experience tells me that prolonged accumulation of hard feelings will ultimately lead to ugly massive explosion that leads me to crying and momentarily mentally paralysed. I have experienced it thrice, and I really hate to experience it again.

I do not wish to hide my feelings anymore but then I do not think my friends around me would be mature enough to understand my situation as my situation is a serious case. I don't think ordinary people would be able to relate to me and would understand my predicament, or understand the magnitude of the seriousness of my suffering. I don't suffer physically, but emotionally, I am drained, and I don't know how long I could persevere.

I have been trying hard to change my way of seeing the situation, but it so far hasn't worked.

It is a hereditary family problem, I guess. My grandparents suffered much worse from the same problem, to say the truth I believe mine is much better than my grandparents'. I hope I don't carry it to next generation. I hope if I have a wife and have kids in the future (I dare not even imagine having one lest it happens to them too), they don't have to suffer like me and my grandparents' do.

It's a painful life to live. Sometimes I think this life is not worth living.