Dear Sarawak

Dear Sarawak,

4 years to some people is nothing. But to me it means a lot. I have a confession to make, it's going to be long but I'm telling it out because it's eating me from the inside and I want it out because it's tormenting.

You provided me with some solace in my life. I grew up in a rather complicated family, I do not wish to elaborate much but one of them is that I grew up in a bilingual environment. My father is English-speaking, Western-influenced, while my mother is Chinese-speaking, adopts Asian practice. As a result I grew up in an environment where I am equally influenced by both Western and Asian culture and the consequence is that, because I pick up pieces and pieces from both cultures and mix them into one, I find myself in an intersection of culture where I belong in neither and where collisions confuse me. For example, I like Western values of living where you should go out and learn to be independent, but I also like the Asian values of upholding family relationship because family is everything you have, and you don't wanna miss out something until you lose it so you should spend time with your family. I speak better in Chinese, but I write better in English. I am not fully Westernised, but I'm not fully Asian, consequently, I cannot fit in both and thus I always felt left out. All my friends are either fully English-ed and hence Western-influenced or fully Chinese-ed. Some studied abroad and are influenced by their culture, but it's different. They transformed. I grew up this way. Whenever I go out with them, some part of me felt suppressed because I felt a little left out. So, I became reclusive, introverted, and I turned to writing because it provides me with solace.

But because I write, I tend to be more emotional and sentimental. I used to hide this because the stereotype is that men who are emotional are weak. But f*ck it, I don't live for their approvals, I don't care what they think anymore. I cannot forever live in their shadows. I am an ambivert, and it's not something I enjoy being. I don't think any ambiverts like being an ambivert. It's self-contradictory. Back in 2014, a teacher told me I am not suitable to be an engineer, because I can talk and connect to people in a way many people can't, and that's not a telling trait of an engineer. I'm not sure whether it's true but deep down I want to believe it is. I like to do public speaking. I like to talk to people (not gossiping), I like to inspire and be inspired. It's soulful, it makes me feel human and I prefer to live in a physical reality where people communicate and share experiences and interests. A part of me likes to engage in the society and talk and meet to people and share knowledge and experiences. I actually hate social media. They have strayed from the original intention of connecting people to hosting a virtual world where boundaries are broken down to feed narcissism. So this is the extrovert in me wanting to shine brightly.

But there's another part of me that likes to think critically, and hence I turned to engineering. I like challenges, I like solving problems. I want to have my own success. I want to have my own achievements in my life. It doesn't matter if no one recognises that, I do it because I like how achieving my own dream feels. It felt good to suffer 1 and a half year and ended up with a near 4 flat for my STPM (still regret the near miss), it felt good to go from failing English in Form 3 to achieving a Band 5 for MUET, it felt good to failing Mathematics all the time in primary school to having it as the only subject I consistently scored 3 solid As for my STPM, and it felt good to always failing Physics in Form 4 to be studying engineering with decent grades. I worked very incredibly hard for these achievements and I'm proud of that. I want to achieve something hard so that I have things to relive when I'm old, because I do not want to grow until 60 years old only to think back of what I did in my youth and realise what I did were about scrolling phones and binging dramas. This is the introverted side of me, dreaming for ambitions that could be often unrealistic.

You see, both my interests do not overlap. It's very hard for me to know what I want. There are a lot of things I want to do, but I do not know how to start. But you provided me an opportunity to understand that if I cannot get what I want, I can create what I want. Another thing I've learnt is that if you have no confidence in doing something, just pretend you do. It might turn out much better than you could have imagined.

I'm 24 years old and am about to venture into this society. I cannot tell for sure I'll end up becoming an engineer. I do not know where I'll end up, but you provided me a place to start. New phase of life is beginning, and I'm looking forward to my excitement in life. Thanks for 4 years of care, I'll miss Kolo Mee and Sarawak Laksa the most I'll tell you, but since I do not have a car to explore your beauty further, I regret to say the only thing I'll miss about you is literally just the food you host, and the warmth of the people residing in you.

With Love,
Tang Jia An.