Dear Sarawak

Dear Sarawak,

4 years to some people is nothing. But to me it means a lot. I have a confession to make, it's going to be long but I'm telling it out because it's eating me from the inside and I want it out because it's tormenting.

You provided me with some solace in my life. I grew up in a rather complicated family, I do not wish to elaborate much but one of them is that I grew up in a bilingual environment. My father is English-speaking, Western-influenced, while my mother is Chinese-speaking, adopts Asian practice. As a result I grew up in an environment where I am equally influenced by both Western and Asian culture and the consequence is that, because I pick up pieces and pieces from both cultures and mix them into one, I find myself in an intersection of culture where I belong in neither and where collisions confuse me. For example, I like Western values of living where you should go out and learn to be independent, but I also like the Asian values of upholding family relationship because family is everything you have, and you don't wanna miss out something until you lose it so you should spend time with your family. I speak better in Chinese, but I write better in English. I am not fully Westernised, but I'm not fully Asian, consequently, I cannot fit in both and thus I always felt left out. All my friends are either fully English-ed and hence Western-influenced or fully Chinese-ed. Some studied abroad and are influenced by their culture, but it's different. They transformed. I grew up this way. Whenever I go out with them, some part of me felt suppressed because I felt a little left out. So, I became reclusive, introverted, and I turned to writing because it provides me with solace.

But because I write, I tend to be more emotional and sentimental. I used to hide this because the stereotype is that men who are emotional are weak. But f*ck it, I don't live for their approvals, I don't care what they think anymore. I cannot forever live in their shadows. I am an ambivert, and it's not something I enjoy being. I don't think any ambiverts like being an ambivert. It's self-contradictory. Back in 2014, a teacher told me I am not suitable to be an engineer, because I can talk and connect to people in a way many people can't, and that's not a telling trait of an engineer. I'm not sure whether it's true but deep down I want to believe it is. I like to do public speaking. I like to talk to people (not gossiping), I like to inspire and be inspired. It's soulful, it makes me feel human and I prefer to live in a physical reality where people communicate and share experiences and interests. A part of me likes to engage in the society and talk and meet to people and share knowledge and experiences. I actually hate social media. They have strayed from the original intention of connecting people to hosting a virtual world where boundaries are broken down to feed narcissism. So this is the extrovert in me wanting to shine brightly.

But there's another part of me that likes to think critically, and hence I turned to engineering. I like challenges, I like solving problems. I want to have my own success. I want to have my own achievements in my life. It doesn't matter if no one recognises that, I do it because I like how achieving my own dream feels. It felt good to suffer 1 and a half year and ended up with a near 4 flat for my STPM (still regret the near miss), it felt good to go from failing English in Form 3 to achieving a Band 5 for MUET, it felt good to failing Mathematics all the time in primary school to having it as the only subject I consistently scored 3 solid As for my STPM, and it felt good to always failing Physics in Form 4 to be studying engineering with decent grades. I worked very incredibly hard for these achievements and I'm proud of that. I want to achieve something hard so that I have things to relive when I'm old, because I do not want to grow until 60 years old only to think back of what I did in my youth and realise what I did were about scrolling phones and binging dramas. This is the introverted side of me, dreaming for ambitions that could be often unrealistic.

You see, both my interests do not overlap. It's very hard for me to know what I want. There are a lot of things I want to do, but I do not know how to start. But you provided me an opportunity to understand that if I cannot get what I want, I can create what I want. Another thing I've learnt is that if you have no confidence in doing something, just pretend you do. It might turn out much better than you could have imagined.

I'm 24 years old and am about to venture into this society. I cannot tell for sure I'll end up becoming an engineer. I do not know where I'll end up, but you provided me a place to start. New phase of life is beginning, and I'm looking forward to my excitement in life. Thanks for 4 years of care, I'll miss Kolo Mee and Sarawak Laksa the most I'll tell you, but since I do not have a car to explore your beauty further, I regret to say the only thing I'll miss about you is literally just the food you host, and the warmth of the people residing in you.

With Love,
Tang Jia An.

The Suits

This is the most recent K-drama I watched since Descendant of the Sun. I watched it because my sister and mother are a fan of Jang Dong-Guk, then I slowly liked the plot and I liked the character Go Yuen-Woo. He's a genius who is a high school dropout but became a fake lawyer. I liked him because he's strong, he's smart, and he survived hardship with optimism. I am always inspired by people who can weather the storm. I know he's only a fictitious character but it's still inspiring. Anyway, this show focuses heavily on his law practice, and the bromance between the two main characters. I was very looking forward to the finale, but sadly it kinda disappoints. His grandmother died, which is very sad. It is not known what happens between him and his love interest, but judging from the ending I think it's safely assumed they had broken off. He went to prison, which is just but it's also a sad news. I feel sad for the character. He has nothing, no family, no education, despite his intelligence. It's sad. But he's strong, he pulled through, and that's why I admire characters like him, however fictitious it is. It serves as an inspiration. But the show is good, worth watching. I like dramas like these.

The Incredibles 2

I've waited 14 years for this sequel! The first movie came out in 2004 and I loved it very much. So when I knew they're making The Incredibles 2, I told myself I must watch it on the day it was released. And I did! The Incredibles 2 is awesome! It started off slow, with a heavy focus on Elastigirl (my favourite character was Violet, now it's Jack-Jack!), but the movie picked up pace in the middle and it's all actions at the end and I loved it. I must say the movie plot is actually very predictable. It's easy to tell who would be the Screenslayer, but Jack-Jack really gives you something to keep your ass on your seat. Jack-Jack is adorable, and his fight with the racoon was the best part of the movie in my opinion! Anyway, 14 years later, The Incredibles 2 proved to be a major success and it continued to charm as it did with the first film. Even in the theatre, I could see it's 95% teenagers and young adults who watched the first film and were there to watch the second. I loved this movie, and if you haven't watched it, you should! It's an awesome cartoon that I really want to watch a second time.

Jessie J - I Have Nothing

I know Jessie J, but I never knew she is this pro in singing.

Mind-blown.

Talented singer like her is on the brink of extinction. We need more singers like her.

And So It Is Ending

.4 years have thus gone by. I still remembered my dilemma back when I finished my SPM. I have always loved Biology and languages over Physics. In fact, I hated Physics. I sucked at Physics. I simply couldn’t understand the concept at all. I still remember I couldn’t understand F = ma, why a net force exists and why it couldn’t run out. I remembered I was amazed by my Form 4 Physics teacher’s formula derivation in one go and I was looking at the white board with my mouth agape. I loved Maths a lot, was obsessed with it, but I hated Physics. A rarity because both are usually mutually exclusive. And I continued to hate Physics, Form 5 syllabus didn’t help. It was simply too dull, too mundane, its soporific effect never failed to come in between Physics and me. But when I got my SPM result, everything changed. I realised that despite my efforts in Biology, I couldn’t ace it, but I aced Physics, a subject I despised. That disappointment prompted me to give up on Biology, and because I wasn’t sure what career I wanted yet, I went for STPM, majoring Physics. One and a half year of Form 6 life remains the best period in my life so far, and remains the most enjoyable phase I believe I cannot ever forget. That was the best decision I have made so far. I slowly loved Physics, especially the first term’s. Second term’s is not my area, I hated it. Third term was also boring. First was awesome. And so STPM began the phase of my life where everything centres on Physics. But there was a dilemma. I have always, and still am, a person who is better at language than science. There’s a limit to where the passion in science within me would go, but there is no such limit when it comes to language. When I have free time, I sought to read, write, watch, learn languages but it never crossed my mind to skim through physics-related topics. I am someone who can be more amazed by a columnist’s linguistic manoeuvre than the content he attempts to deliver. The 9 months after STPM presented me a situation where the crossroad I found myself in had no clear directional paths and I had to guesstimate where and which I want to go, realising that there is no turning back whichever one I picked. I had interests, though with different intensity, in different fields that do not overlap. My passion always lies in writing. When time was scarce and a decision had to be made fast, I told myself I can learn language when I am free of my own volition, without guidance, independently online, but I couldn’t possibly, or maybe it would just be incredibly difficult, to learn physics independently online. So I opted for what was then clearly my second choice: civil engineering. Being an engineer was one of the dreams, but not my passion. And so I opted for Civil Engineering, and after countless of struggles, disappointments, frustrations, episodes of no-life and helplessness, 4 years have gone by and I am graduating. I won’t say I do not like Civil Engineering. It is a very fun course and the career is very good. But deep down in my heart I know something has always been missing: a burning passion that would push me to challenge myself more than I can deal with. Without such burning passion, it wouldn’t last. I cannot do something for long, simply because there was no target. There was no motivation. There was no reason to do more than I should. And I personally do not think that should be the case. Whatever you do, I believe a passion has to be there. If there is no passion in your life, then why are you willing to wake up to another day of destitute? No. Whenever you wake up early in the morning, you wake up for a reason. There’s always something you look forward to in the day. It might be shopping, it might be cooking, it might be working for all you know. But there’s always something there. Something that gives you a sense of living. I don’t lack that, but I do find myself in a situation where I don’t get to do what I actually like. I have always questioned the decision I made. I always love to write and read, and I always push myself more than I believe I could, but the same does not extend to what I am studying. The same does not apply to what I will be doing. 4 years on, I still wonder whether it was right to forego my first choice and stick to the second. I don’t hate what I currently am doing, but there is no passion. My loyalty lies somewhere else. It I were given a second chance, to be honest, I cannot tell for sure I would make the same decision.

郭美美【一百種孤獨的理由】

一人生活，洗衣做飯，到處旅行，獨享孤獨：沒有你，連孤獨都開始需要理由。
散落一地的拼圖，想要填滿的是內心漫無邊際的小宇宙，有沒有一種孤獨需要百種理由，讓你的自我不得不獨自維續。郭美美瘦弱而有力的步伐踏出，滑破寂靜的空氣，走進了音樂影像裡色彩寡淡的冷白世界。〈一百種孤獨的理由〉這部 MV 延續了主打 MV〈我會一直想你〉的色調風格和情節銜接，黃中平導演一貫強調色彩和影調個性化的視覺表現同樣突出了歌手的個人氣息。
白色讓世界安靜，白色退卻了世界繽紛的色彩，抽空了身體的靈魂，小宇宙開始變得空空蕩蕩，靜默無聲。 拆散的風扇和缺了零件的單車，影像中無不暗喻著寂寞的崩壞和由此帶來內心的不自由。郭美美在 MV 中為籃球、單車、風扇一一漆上白色，極具生活化的場景在顏色褪卻之後變得游離於世間之外。孤獨裡夾雜著難以言喻的寂寞，當所有的事物都失去了顏色，或者回到最純粹的顏色 , 更顯單純的情感生活 , 及重新出發的勇氣。
孤獨其實並不可怕，獨自的生活依舊精彩，走出去，往往只需要一個小小的契機，就可以走出內心的孤獨的牢籠。

*楼上文章摘自YouTube官方MV