Some Things About Me

A lot of my friends have got into a romantic relationship. Some are so infatuated they keep sharing their sweet photos on social media. Good for them, honestly deep down in my heart I really feel good for them.

But here comes something I do not like: a lot of them are asking why am I still single.

Like I have mentioned many times, I am single because I choose to. The thing is, I am independent. I am strongly independent and I like feeling independent. I like time for myself, and I have strong principles that I strictly adhere to regardless of what situations I am in. I think that's beneficial in some sense, but sometimes it may be obstructing me from socialising.

I am independent, and I say that because I do not like to depend on others and I mean it. I rarely ask for favours unless I have to do something I know I have no capability doing it. For example if I need to go someplace and if I don't have a car, if I think I can walk there, then I'll walk there, no matter what kind of situation it is.

When I get sick or injured, instead of most people who actually ask for helps from friends, my natural instinct is to clean up my injury or see a doctor myself and that includes if I need to walk a distance to a clinic even though I am feeling very unwell (and that's what I really did just two weeks ago. I was really feeling bad, very high fever, and yet I walk at noon to a clinic). It is not my natural response to reach out for help from friends or families, it never even cross my mind to do that, and I don't normally tell them if I am sick or injured. My first instinct is to rest and sleep and tell them only after I get well.

This is weird. Because if the case were to be reversed, I would want to know if my friends are sick or injured and I would like to help. I don't know why but I just feel weird if people actually care for me.

To be honest, and I have been very afraid and embarrassed of saying this out loud, I feel really odd to be a centre of someone's life. I feel weird to be appreciated. I feel weird to be loved. I don't get these from my parents. Well, I have a complicated family background. It's just, to say the truth, I feel weird to be loved, but I have no difficulty loving everyone in my life, because I growing up taking care of someone, I didn't grow up being actually taken care of. I'm not suggesting I am abused while I was a kid - like I said, long story, complicated background. Don't get me wrong - I love my parents very much, but it's the way they love me that probably shaped who I am today. I love it when I can make people smile, I love it if I can make a sad person happy, but I feel weird if people make me smile when I am sad. Partly because I never reach out to people when I am sad so I have no idea how being made happy feels like.

So if I ever fall into a relationship I really cannot foresee that I'll be the initiator.

I like time for myself because I am a person with multiple interests. There are a lot of things I would like to do, and sometimes if I am ask to choose between doing things I like at home and going out, I choose the former. I know it's bad but I don't know why I just like doing what I like doing.

Another thing is that you've got to know - I am independent, and the consequence is that I do not like to be financially dependent on my parents, which means I do not like spending my parents' money on unnecessary stuffs and I am strict in what I consider "unnecessary". Things I consider unnecessary are really basically what I considered non-essential in living - and that includes entertainment like going out for a movie or for some high-class meals. I restrict myself to indulge in those entertainments only a number of times, and I am strong at resisting temptation. I mean that.

Once I get to earn my own money, like I did every time I took a part time job in the past, then yes I am happy to splash that money on entertainments.

This is just me. I am independent. And I enjoy being independent.

So you see, spending money on girls to gain their attractions is a big no from me - if a girl fancies material stuffs then I do not like that girl because I do not like people who are materialistic - and I am strict in how I consider one is materialistic.

I am no willing to spend money on entertainments and movies just so that I can go near some girls and possibly gain their attraction. And I'm not worried about not getting a girlfriend if I don't do these because, like I said, my priority is different. Getting a girlfriend really isn't a priority for me.

So don't ask me again why I am single. I am single by choice. And I am single for reasons I stated above.

I don't intend to change myself because I cannot see that I am wrong. I am happy doing what I am doing and if I want a girlfriend I'll patiently wait for a girl who can understand me - who appreciates me for who I am. I am not willing to change myself to get a girlfriend (sure, I'll change myself if it's my bad habits, but I'm not changing my behaviour to be compromising when I don't see anything wrong with myself).

I'll wait patiently for my other half to enter my life. And if she never would then that's a faith that I can accept for now.

I am reminded of what a celebrity said on a television: “我觉得一个人太久没谈恋爱了会忘记怎么去谈恋爱，因为日子久了，单身久了，就不懂得为什么我必须去和别人妥协，去和别人忍让，去接受一个人的不好或者为了一个人改变自己。” Obviously the first part doesn't apply to me because I have no past romantic relationships, but I can fully relate the second half. I think I just have a different take on romantic relationships than most people, but whether it is good for me or not I sincerely do not know.

I don't know whether I become what I am because of my family background. I think it's possible and highly likely considering my sister appears to share a similar stance with me and she also is similarly single. But I guess - I have to do what makes me happy.