It Broke My Heart

 When I was only 18, ten years ago, I asked a question, and the answer broke my heart.

I'm going to admit one thing: with everyone around me getting married, becoming a parent, or otherwise engaged, and I'm gradually becoming the only one staying single, it affects me a lot.

But the thing is, I don't know how to get a girlfriend. I'm not good at intimacy. I do not crave intimacy. 

It all boiled down to my childhood.

As you're probably aware, I never had a happy childhood. My parents did not get along well. They quarrelled a lot, very extensively.

Then their interests don't overlap - in fact, they run in opposite.

I never had a proper family outing, proper family adventure, proper family holiday, proper family occasion or celebration etc. My father did bring us to holiday but it was only for a short period.

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, and they showered me with love.

But the lack of love between them, and the hostility they hurled at each other, deeply affected them and scarred me more than I cared to admit.

More then I realised, until I actually attempted to confront them.

Because of my childhood, I never actually understand 'love'. I never actually understand 'family'. 

Because of my childhood, I learnt to take care of myself. I learnt to be independent, to never reach out, because often reaching out to either one of my parent led to another conflict - I avoided that completely.

Because of my childhood, I never learnt to socially mingle with anyone. I shut myself in my own world.

And so, all these form who I am today.

And it has become very lonely.

I'm aware I'm a social oddity - I am an odd one out wherever I go.

My parents quarrelled so much, hurt each other so much, it reached a point where I asked my mother 'Why don't the both of you just get a divorce?'

My mother replied, it was because I was still studying.

It completely shattered my heart, and it haunts me even today.

First of all, for obvious reasons they were better off separated. It hurt me to know I was the reason they continued to hurt each other. 

It completely scarred me that I was the reason they continued to conflict. That I was the source of the discontent that dragged on for years.

Second, I was still in school. I hadn't entered university. It was too much for a youth to bear, and it was too much for me to realise it still take years for me to finish study and I would continue to be the source of their pain.

Since then, I decided shutting myself was the way to go.

Because nobody would understand, I thought.

Seriously, unless you live through it, you couldn't possibly understand how hurtful the situation was.

I did not think anybody would understand if I confess it to anybody.

I did not think anybody would take me seriously. We were just a bunch of youths.

While my peers were happily indulging in puppy loves, I was facing a broken home.

There was no way they could understand.

This is not a healthy thought, and I recognise that.

Do not worry, I am not depressed, and I am not even remotely contemplating suicide.

I am facing my inner demon, and I want to get over with. 

It's just a lot harder than I had imagined, and I really don't know how to get over it.

Maybe I should seek medical counselling.

Maybe I should confide in someone. I have never spilt this to anyone physically.

I've put on a facade of happiness and cheerfulness for very long.

It's getting tiring. Especially when I'm not - amidst the wave that everyone has finally found their love.

I need some guidance.

I need help.