Goodbye 2022

 2022 has been quite an insane year. The beginning is a far cry from the end.

Let's begin with January 2022.

What happened in January 2022?

You might think this happened last year, but this occurred in the same year: a new lockdown because of Omicron.

Yes, in January 2022, Omicron came knocking and made itself known worldwide ferociously. In Singapore, booster shots were quickly dispensed so that the population were inoculated as soon as possible.

I had my booster shot on the 6th of January.

Countries worldwide have not opened their borders. Singapore and Malaysia both were not exceptions. Barring VTL, which cost quite a fortune, we couldn't travel between both countries freely.

But things changed when Omicron had been assessed to be very mild, and the fortress erected came down by March and borders between Singapore and Malaysia were opened in April 2022.

I caught covid-19 in March 2022. It was very mild, and I had been a lot worse, so it was okay for me. I don't suffer from Long-covid, which is a plus, but that quarantine took a real toll on my wallet.

I got my Singapore PR in March 2022. I was going to ICA to sign it early, but due to unfortunate catching of covid-19, I postponed it by two weeks.

Before that, I had to do blood test, do X-rays, which, thankfully, were completed before I got my covid. And then all I needed was to reschedule and sign it at ICA at a different time. Thankfully, I managed to get it done by mid-March, although I wouldn't be able to get my physical card yet.

I went back to Penang in April 2022. For a month, after two years of separation. It was good, and I liked it. Thankfully, my company allowed me to WFH.

I got my card in May 2022, and therefore CPF. It was painful to get a smaller chunk of my salary home. And my timing was bad - it reached the annual cap-off for Medisave top-up, so I was asked - legally compelled - to top up my Medisave account by transferring a few hundreds into it.

I travelled back again in August 2022.

I attended an ex-colleague's wedding in Singapore in September 2022.

I went to Sarawak in October 2022, to attend a friend's wedding in Sarikei. That was my first time travelling to Sibu via Senai airport - and Senai airport was quite an eye-opener, I never realised there could be two gates: one for passengers with checked-in bags and one for passengers without - and then my friend picked me up from there and we travelled to Sarikei.

I haven't met them for three years. It was good catching up.

In November 2022 I travelled back home for my cousin's wedding. It was good.

This year has been very eventful.

I'm not really in a mood to elaborate here, but this year has been exceptional. I hope the new year, set to begin in a few hours, could be as eventful, but perhaps less tumultous, and probably less negative too. Now that China has relented and reopened in a rather embarrassingly hasty manner, I'm afraid it doesn't bode well for the world.

Stupid Love [Acoustic Version] - Lady Gaga

I'm pretty sure this isn't an official version. Somebody must have edited the original version by removing all the musical instruments and inserting only the piano version.

It doesn't matter. This is simply a marvellous piece of work and this version truly showcases Lady Gaga's awesome vocals.

Amazing.

Fight Song - Rachel Platten (Cover by Travis Atreo)

Not sure if I've shared this before, but this is a marvellous, the kind of acoustic, song that I'll never get tired of hearing to.

Avatar 2

 I wasn't really looking forward to it. For one, I can't really recall what happened in Avatar, so it must mean however subtly that it was not of significant interest for me. Second, too much CGIs. Third, it's freaking 3 hours long.

But my friend wanted to watch it, and I'm the kind of person who, when kickstarted something, has the compulsion to end it unless it is unbearably painful to do so (Thanks, Lost).

So we watched it on a Saturday afternoon. I watched it with a friend, and the ticket cost 2 dollars more than usual for reasons I do not know.

But long story short.

The beginning is draggy and soporific, the second half though was stunningly mesmerising and absolutely mindblowing. 

The underwater scenes make Talokan in Black Panther: Wakanda Forever looks amateurish.

The action scenes surpass almost all Marvel movies I've watched (although Gamora is on it).

The movies contain many emotions: anger, grief, cheer, hope, disappointment etc.

Without releasing too much spoilers, I would say I shed a few tears near the end. It was tragic, absolutely tragic.

Is the movie worth the money? Absolutely.

Would I recommend it? Absolutely.

Would I be eager to watch the third? I would place my money for a booking if it's allowed.

Overall, second-best film of 2022. I'm sorry, top spot is still Top Gun: Maverick for me.

It Broke My Heart

 When I was only 18, ten years ago, I asked a question, and the answer broke my heart.

I'm going to admit one thing: with everyone around me getting married, becoming a parent, or otherwise engaged, and I'm gradually becoming the only one staying single, it affects me a lot.

But the thing is, I don't know how to get a girlfriend. I'm not good at intimacy. I do not crave intimacy. 

It all boiled down to my childhood.

As you're probably aware, I never had a happy childhood. My parents did not get along well. They quarrelled a lot, very extensively.

Then their interests don't overlap - in fact, they run in opposite.

I never had a proper family outing, proper family adventure, proper family holiday, proper family occasion or celebration etc. My father did bring us to holiday but it was only for a short period.

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, and they showered me with love.

But the lack of love between them, and the hostility they hurled at each other, deeply affected them and scarred me more than I cared to admit.

More then I realised, until I actually attempted to confront them.

Because of my childhood, I never actually understand 'love'. I never actually understand 'family'. 

Because of my childhood, I learnt to take care of myself. I learnt to be independent, to never reach out, because often reaching out to either one of my parent led to another conflict - I avoided that completely.

Because of my childhood, I never learnt to socially mingle with anyone. I shut myself in my own world.

And so, all these form who I am today.

And it has become very lonely.

I'm aware I'm a social oddity - I am an odd one out wherever I go.

My parents quarrelled so much, hurt each other so much, it reached a point where I asked my mother 'Why don't the both of you just get a divorce?'

My mother replied, it was because I was still studying.

It completely shattered my heart, and it haunts me even today.

First of all, for obvious reasons they were better off separated. It hurt me to know I was the reason they continued to hurt each other. 

It completely scarred me that I was the reason they continued to conflict. That I was the source of the discontent that dragged on for years.

Second, I was still in school. I hadn't entered university. It was too much for a youth to bear, and it was too much for me to realise it still take years for me to finish study and I would continue to be the source of their pain.

Since then, I decided shutting myself was the way to go.

Because nobody would understand, I thought.

Seriously, unless you live through it, you couldn't possibly understand how hurtful the situation was.

I did not think anybody would understand if I confess it to anybody.

I did not think anybody would take me seriously. We were just a bunch of youths.

While my peers were happily indulging in puppy loves, I was facing a broken home.

There was no way they could understand.

This is not a healthy thought, and I recognise that.

Do not worry, I am not depressed, and I am not even remotely contemplating suicide.

I am facing my inner demon, and I want to get over with. 

It's just a lot harder than I had imagined, and I really don't know how to get over it.

Maybe I should seek medical counselling.

Maybe I should confide in someone. I have never spilt this to anyone physically.

I've put on a facade of happiness and cheerfulness for very long.

It's getting tiring. Especially when I'm not - amidst the wave that everyone has finally found their love.

I need some guidance.

I need help.