April 2021 - Dilemma

 For the past two weeks, I've got a little reprieve from work as my workload has reduced substantially.

The thing I have learnt about myself is that in order to work, I must have pressure. Else, I'll default to the lazy mode and not feeling motivated to finish a task. I need my work to pile up, only then I can be productive.

Well, I'm in my third year in Singapore. I planned to leave after two years. Covid-19 disrupted my plan.

Few days ago, my boss asked me to think about my future. What direction I wish to go. He probably noticed I'm still doing what I'm doing and think that I'm stagnating and ask me to sit for PE test.

It's not that I do not want to. First of all, I really am not ready, and I don't see the point of going for something just because everybody else has gone for it. I'm not the kind of person who follows the tide just because the tide flows that way. I like doing things that make me happy and comfortable and if that doesn't fit the flow of the tide, then so be it.

Secondly, I don't plan to settle permanently in Singapore. Is there any point in getting it? Converting it when I go back to Malaysia? I suppose it could work, but without Malaysian experience, applying for any job with a professional title may not meet a welcoming response.

I don't know. Since covid-19 has disrupted my plan, it's probably wise that I reconsider my options.

I've always wanted to return to Malaysia, but the longer I stay in Singapore, the harder it is for me to detach myself from Singapore.

I cannot imagine settling down in Singapore. I wouldn't be able to afford a house. A car. My life will be stagnating because all of these would be prohibitively unreachable for me.

But I do like Singapore's parks. The safety. The strength of the currency. The safety at night and proximity and availabilities of the various parks in Singapore allow me to exercise much more freely, frequently and vigorously then I can in Malaysia. Who the hell jogs on the roadside at night in Malaysia? It's unthinkable, yet in Singapore it's completely normal and I've been doing that and I like it. It's a form of self-improvement, it self-strengthening and it protects my health and I absolutely love it.

Needless to say, Singapore dollar is a much more appealing currency to earn than Malaysian Ringgit.

Other than these factors, I don't have anything I like in Singapore. I literally live for the parks and the currency. That's all.

The longer I stay in Singapore, the more I realise I'm sinking into this abyss where I wouldn't be able to escape. It frustrates me.