Seriously questioning my choice

Day by day I question my choice of choosing civil engineering.

Look, it's not that I hate civil engineering. I pretty love it. The design and the analysis of a structure is extremely tiring, but to watch all your efforts become something concrete and deliverable is exceedingly rewarding and I love it.

But there's a lack of passion.

I just don't love civil engineering as much as I love a language.

Back in 2014, I was in a dilemma. Before I officially enrolled myself into a university, I had seriously questioned myself what choice I want. The problem I was facing was the fact that I liked two distinctive subjects that do not often overlap - I love English, and yet simultaneously I love mathematics.

I like something invoking soul searching, but at the same time, I equally love doing something that gave my brain some squeezing and twisting.

I'm sentimental. I'm expressive and I am emotional to a fault. I wouldn't deny them. My sentimental personality allows me to write. Everytime I read a good article with perfect English and sound arguments, I had the motivation to make my English improve more. I just love writing. It's an expression nobody can rob away from you.

And sometimes, words can be much more powerful than every other things combined.

But I also like Maths. If I am doing Maths, I can go on for hours without rest, foregoing eating and drinking simply because I am so absorbed into Maths I have become completely impervious to what has happened around me.

Now that I'm studying Civil Engineering, I realise, while I love engineering, I don't love it as much as I love English.

My heart and soul is not with engineering. It's with writing. Because writing allows my soul to run free. It allows my emotions to take control of me (but within appropriate constraints) and it makes me feel human.

Sometimes engineering is just so technical and formulae-based, that it doesn't make me feel human.

I don't know. And to say the truth I am afraid of pondering it further.

What I do now is that, if time and finance allow, I would love to study English as well. I would love to be a part-time journalist.

At the same time, my sentimental side actually makes me love to engage in public activities - I like talking to a group of people (provided I am allowed to speak what I want, presentations are not one of them), I like to help people, and I find it rewarding to be able to contribute to people in need.

Engineering is not bad. I realise a bit too late now that it isn't my greatest passion, but I also recognise that I can no longer change my decision.

I'll find a way to carve through. I have acknowledged that I must accept what is burning inside me - a passion to write, a passion to be contributable to the society, and a passion to be someone influential.

They are my dreams. And I vow to reach them.