I'm Sorry.

It's a new year now, and I've marched into the second stage of my life: the beginning of total independence, and the commencement of working life. My school life has officially ended, and I may not repeat it however I want.

2014 means I'm twenty this year, it heralds lots of unimaginable things.

Anyway, previously, I had been working at a sushi shop for a time. I was tasked under maki bar, mainly focused on making rolled sushi. The work was fine, ambiance was nice, and colleagues were co-operative, hospitable and nice to mingle with. The working hour, however, left much to be desired. The work begins either 9.30am, 11am or 12.30pm and ends earliest at 11pm, with 2 and a half hours, 2 hours and 1 and a half hours breaks respectively in between. The working hour wasn't exactly why I liked, but tolerable.

The job itself was okay. As I was newly exposed to the world of sushi, and am a kitchen helper, I am assigned to lots of unfamiliar stuffs like making rolled sushi, preparing curie, and learning the Japanese names and Japanese dishes.

The work requires us to be able for work for 6 days a week, and our off day will be randomly selected depending on requests made by colleagues. Hence, the chance we'll have the same day off for weeks and with friends is exceedingly slim.

I worked in Penang, so the job provided me hostel. The hostel was fine, though the cleanliness could be improved.

First week was okay for me. I had Friday off, so right after Thursdays' shift, I wanted to go home. After work, I was famished, and therefore went to have dinner after work. Okay, it was past midnight, around 12.30am, but I was hungry, and hadn't eaten dinner, so my friends and I decided to have a meal outside.

However, my father knew I was dining outside past midnight, and was furious. He hasn't been the kind of person who is able to move on with time. Having a meal outside past midnight is an offensive action, and one he strongly condemns. He realised I was eating, and when I reached home, he yelled at me, saying "eating outside past midnight, acting like it is a normal thing to do, is what I have been trying to avoid for my whole life", and tells me to quit my job, and go back home to search for another job so that, I presume, he could monitor my movements and obey his instructions.

I don't want to lament much, because I know once my dad makes a decision, there's no room for discussion. He has never been a listener, and is used to making decision due to his job. He cannot and refuse to have his decision challenged. I know I couldn't win this argument, but I made one thing clear: if you wanna me be an engineer, if you wanna me to venture into the private sectors, this is my life. I'll be at work even past midnights, and one day I might be so busy I'll never go home for the whole night. And he says, that's your life, and that time you're a grown up, you make your call.

So my dad consider me, at 20, to be someone who could not be independent. Ya, sure, I have known this. I have never gained their trust, nobody what I do. I said I wanted to go Penang to work, my mother freaked out, became all so overprotective as if I am a 3 year old trying to run all the way to Penang. My dad reacted the same way. My aunt feared I succumb to lures and begin to smoke.

I'm 19, about to hit 20, and soon going to university. Can I gain a little trust? Is trying to gain a trust to do something meaningful that hard? What have I done to not gain it? I haven't smoked, or got involved in an argument. I haven't mixed up with horrible friends, disobeyed any of your words, secretly drive your car out, or gamble with my life. Can't I, at age 19, gain a little trust to actually learn to be independent?

Why am I still a puppet, hugely controlled and manipulated by you? I know you guys love me, but what you guys do is pampering me, being overprotective, and these aren't helping me. These are destroying me, because one day I have to be independent, and if you can't let me at age 19, when can you let me?

And yet you complain youngsters nowadays are ignorant and incapable of surviving autonomously, when you're doing the same thing to your son.

I was forced to quit my job at sushi. It was one extremely difficult decision to make, because I ended it the second week when I decided to end it 3 months later. The job meant a lot to me.

I felt like I have betrayed my friends, my boss, and the shop I worked at. The hired me and had high expectation of me, but I left, because my parents do not trust me to be alone outside at Penang.

What a lame excuse this sounds, what a stupid reason this is. Yet, this is the reason that forced me to make this painful decision.

I'm sorry, Zanmai. As much as I hate this decision, as much as I hate how my parents treat me, my parents still have more influence to me than the shop. I do not want to get into an argument over a temporary job with my parents.

I'm sorry.

And if there's any consolation: I actually cried. None of my friends in the hostel knows, but my parents do. Ya, they are selfish, I was thrown into a quagmire, but I had made a decision.

I'm sorry. To my friends. To my colleagues. To the shop, and to myself.

I'm sorry.