Sometimes, humans are complicated. They might be able to be explained, but the problem is how? Humans have tried with futility to answer a multitude of questions that surround us. A satisfying answer has never been proposed. The reason is simple: humans are complicated. What happens to a person might not be the same to the another, and hence this causes great difficulties in unravelling mysteries. Perhaps, certain things are meant to be rhetoric.
Babies babble, and as he grows up, he begins to talk coherently and is able to form complete sentences. When he finally steps into the world of adolescence, he begins to talk mumbo-jumbo, and nonsense because he's deluded, or simply perplexed by changes surrounding him. When he moves on, usually after making regrettable mistakes, he begins to talk sense, and he appears to be mature. When he threads to old age, his speech begins to blur, and sooner or later he won't be able to talk smoothly.
Hormones. Everybody is filled with hormones. We have more than a thousand hormones in us, and each hormones in us measured less than a green pea, possibly less, and yet it exerts big enough an influence to completely alter your lives. Certain hormones are meant to pump adrenaline, to prepare you for fight or flight situation; certain hormones prepare you for maturity, making you grow up, seeing the world from a different perspective and begins to think autonomously. Certain hormones are simply annoying. They mess with your body, they occasionally blind you, they causes you to make stupid decisions. Certain hormones are deleterious. They seep into every tissue in your bodies and release a venom that partially paralyse your immune system. They weaken it, rendering your body susceptible to infections, damages, or mutations.
I hate it when my body messes with me. It's true sometimes we simply need to be optimistic - I have been. But you've got to admit, sometimes, it just bothers you. Ya, it's simple to say "Come on! Forget it! So what if you can't do it? You have got something better in you!" No! That sentences only soothe you and momentarily convince you that it is okay. Everybody who has gone through it would realise that it's nothing but a white lie.
I have asthma. I was eight years old when I was diagnosed with it. I was young, naive, ignorant to my health, and ergo I did not know what it is. The doctor said it was mild, because I never used a spray and it never attacks. When I was in standard 4, I tried to fit in in a badminton team. That was when I realised I gasp for air pretty easily. My endurance is kinda strong - I admit, thanks to my father. He's a tough guy so I follow his steps - but I realised that my body sometimes can't hold on to it. After few months of training, I was eliminated from the team. I was melancholy for a while, but after that I moved on. I can't remember how, I just moved on.
I remembered there was once I literally choked in the class. Nobody knew, and I conjectured nobody even realised. I was crying I guess, then suddenly I couldn't breathe. I thought I was dying, but after a few seconds of struggling, I managed to breathe. You have no idea how precious I found the oxygen was. A few seconds of losing oxygen literally made you understand how one insignificant yet omnipresent thing is important to you.
Moving on to secondary school. I never got bothered much by my asthma before because I was introverted. Outdoor activities were never what I enjoyed, but I still indulged in some. I'm not a fan of games. Basketball, soccer, tennis.......I never liked them. Exception made for badminton. Badminton is different. I prefer sports or anything that tests endurance. Form 2, I joined the school marathon. It was mandatory. I didn't perform well. Form 4 I tried again, and again, I didn't do well. Form 5 I gave a last try. This time I timed my run. I took about half an hour to complete a 5 or 6km run. It was slow, very very slow. I ran for a few steps, and I stopped for air. Then I continued to run, but was forced to stop again.
You could sense the difference, you know? It's not stamina problem. You may argue that if one hasn't done some sports for a long time, his stamina deteriorates, and his endurance would falter. But if it's your body, you know it. You've got to know it, it's your body! If stamina's really the problem, then what explains my gasping for air when I simply just ran 4 stories up a block? I ran often, and I still gasped hard.
Then I got this nasty infection that kinda paralyse me for days. There was no conclusive diagnosis, but there definitely was a definite link - my asthma. Whatever it is, my asthma is linked. There were two theories: one said my asthma deteriorates when weather changed abruptly, and hence my lungs collapsed when the weather was a little biting and I would thus gasp hard. The other said an infection took control, and my asthma made my condition a little worse than it usually is. I don't care which diagnosis was more appropriate, but I was treated for both. That was the second time I was given a confirmed diagnosis for asthma. Even after 9 years, the asthma possessed me like a ghost, and I guess it'll never go away.
I never let the thought get control of me. It is true I'm bothered by it. But I stayed optimistic. The truth about life is that it is not fair. It was never fair and it'll never be. I believed there has got to be something to compensate my weakness, so I go for endurance. I know I can't perform vigorous activities - running is vigorous, because you have to breathe in a lot of air - so I opted for lighter sports, like hiking. If you're wondering how hiking is less vigorous, here's how: the move is slower, although the sports itself, overall, is more tiring and requires more strength. I begin hiking more often this year, when transport becomes convenient for me. Before I learnt to drive, transport was a hassle. Now that I can drive, I can go whenever I want.
That will be some time where even the strongest will crash. Sometimes we thought we are strong, and stay optimistic believing that the philosophy is true. But you know it isn't. Philosophy are lifeless words that are created to be pedagogical, but real life is far more complicated than what it appears to be. This is the first time, after 10 years, I give in to my asthma. I'm tired to be prohibited from runs or any activities due to it. I've decided not to bow down to it. I've missed Penang Hill climb and Penang Bridge Marathon because I knew I wasn't strong enough. Okay, transport was part of the reason, but still the main reason stays. I wanna try how I would perform if I climb the Penang Hill, so I urged my dad to bring me up there, and on first try I completed the hike in 1 hour and 20 minutes. Slow? Yup. But since it's just the first try, I'm kinda satisfied. Suddenly, a flicker of hope materialised. Perhaps I wasn't as weak as I had imagined. The time I completed each activities was long, but consider fast for even a mild asthma patient, and my muscle don't sore after each activities. In this holiday, I wanna brush up my endurance. If I can't exorcise what's possessing me, then I'm going to subdue it until I render it harmless. I'm going to prove that one day asthma patients can do vigorous activities normal people consider they can't. I do not know whether it's possible, but I'm still giving it a try. After all, that's how things once believed to be impossible are created, and world records are broken.
No comments:
Post a Comment